In today's exciting instalment, I turn around and kick the vicar in his ever-loving gonads. Seriously. I know, a vicar. You may think that merits a deeper circle of hell than someone who would kick a kitten or a puppy. But you haven't heard the rest of the story...

So I live next door to a church, for my sins. And that has caused me no end of grief. What about 'do unto others as you would have others do unto you'? If I did to the church what it's done to me, I am sure there would be no end of wailing and gnashing of teeth. So the church decides it's time for them to refurbish their derelict, old and vacant church building, which is next door to my flat. First they buy up the land at the end of my garden, and submit a proposal to build a seven storey block of luxury flats, the sale of which is ostensibly to fund the refurbishment of said church building - disregarding every single planning policy put in place by the council - and, thanks to their political clout, persuade the wretched councillors to allow this proposal to go through, despite it being rejected by the planners. Then I have to live through three years of wretched construction, right at my very doorstep, and to add insult to injury, apparently they have the right to use part of my garden to facilitate their building works, because their attempt to squeeze every single inch of use out of that piece of land means they do not have enough space to actually keep the construction on their side of the fence. So they pull down one side of the garden wall, put up some hideous hoarding, take up part of my garden for three years, make a whole load of noise, make a whole load of mess, and basically make my life a misery through their constant breach of the noise/nuisance/health and safety and other policies that were meant to protect my civil and human rights. Then they breach the planning permission even further because the flats, when built, are actually HIGHER than the elevation set out in their planning proposals, oops, so sorry, naughty us, but what are you going to do about it?

Then they finally finish the wretched flats, which is nothing short of a miracle, but then start construction on the actual church on the other side of the flat, so that's another two years of construction, noise, dust, nuisance and a gigantic pain in the ass right there. And then they discover that they can't actually do what they planned to do (again, planning permission, natch) without having to pull down and rebuild the other garden wall between my flat and their building, which means that over the last four years I will have had construction on two out of the four sides of my flat. At which point my tenants decide they've had enough of this nonsense and ask if they can vacate. And then, the icing on the cake, the proverbial cherry, is that having done this, the wretched vicar sends me a condescending e-mail saying that having done their major refurbishment, they think that the roots of the tree in my garden caused cracking to one of the walls of the derelict, old and vacant building that they had to refurbish anyway, and can he come and talk to me about contributing to the cost of their works. But he'd like to buy me a coffee, to talk me through the shock, because that is the kind of guy he is. At which point my head exploded, aka The Omen, unleashing a stream of profanity so violent that the angels must have shuddered in the heavens. Is it really sin if the CHURCH causes you to sin?

In my perfect, perfect, alternate universe, I not only kick him in the gonads, but I do so repeatedly, and stamp several times on his sheepskin coat for good measure. I go round and smash all the bloody windows in his bloody building. I spray paint the walls with every single angry thought I have had, expressing all the rage and anger I feel towards the church and all the unfairness in this bloody universe, where the church and its money and political connections seems to get away with bullying and bulldozing their way through my rights. I also tell him to go f**k himself, and I'll see him in court. Oh, sorry, the last part isn't in an alternate universe - it's this one.

/rant