In an alternate universe, I would get fed up of wearing a winter coat all year round, quit my job, and go live somewhere warmer. Somewhere the sun shines, where you actually go to the beach to get a tan, rather than lie in some dingy, chemical-smelling white coffin, with images from "Final Destination" running through your head.

I'd wake up in the morning, with the sun peering through the blinds, open the windows, breathe deeply the fresh morning air, and sigh with contentment. Stroll down to the corner cafe for a coffee and a croissant, where I would be able to sit outside without freezing my ass off. Read a book, read the paper, have a nap on a hammock stretched between two trees. My skin would be the gorgeous golden hue of someone who worships the sun, but sensibly.

Instead, I wake up, look outside the window, and it's snowing. Snowing! Just before Easter! And it's only 6.30 am, but soon I'm going to have to go outside in that and walk the Dog, who'll be grumpy and ungrateful and wonder why we're practically running around the block once before going back inside. Why? Why?